Bob Parkins, LMFT * Sacramento Christian Counseling *

Making All Things NEW; a NEW alliance

2007-02-04T16:13:00.000-08:00

It has been awhile since I have been asked to serve at an "Every Man's Battle" conference, but this month I was excited to be asked again. It is the most intense 14hr days I work all year, but I love virtually every minute of it, and cherish the time I get to spend with the other staff members. We see each other only a handful of times each year, but are all intimately connected through the work we share, our own struggles, and freedom we help lead other men into. For those who don't know what "Every Man's Battle" (EMB) is, it is a monthly Christian conference sponsored by New Life Ministries for men who struggle with sexual integrity or addiction (lust, masturbation, pornography, affairs, prostitution, etc.). It may sound scary to those who don't run in my circle, but it isn't..... the men who attend these conferences are your boss, brother, father, friend, neighbor, son, husband..... pastor. (Is this getting a little close?)

The month's EMB was special. We were honored to have a special guest speaker, EX-pornographer Donny Pauling. At the time of the conference, Donny had been a new Christian and out of the "adult entertainment" industry for a mere 3-4 months. Donny shared with the men at EMB his testimony, and gave us an "inside look" into the porn industry. Of course I mean "inside look" figuratively - he actually was very considerate NOT to talk about the many details that would likely cause men to stumble should they roll around in their minds. Instead, Donny shared how horrible the women of porn are treated and how quickly their lives are destroyed. There were very few dry eyes that night.

As staff, I had the pleasure of spending a few meals with Donny. I have to tell you, I may have been to Seminary but I think I learned more about Christ from Donny in two days than I did in all of my formal education. Donny shared many of his experiences since becoming a Christian and of the insights and revelations he had been learning about.... most of it was new to me. I am a little ashamed to admit it, but I felt like a baby Christian next to him at times - it is difficult to articulate this here without writing at least 5-10 pages, so I will leave it here. Let's just say I was very inspired by his thirst for Christ.

I won't talk much about this here, partly because I don't feel it the appropriate forum and partly because I don't have other's permission, but there has been a significant increase in "spiritual warfare" since this conference. (I apologize to my non-Christian readers for using a bit of "Christianese.") Although not fun to experience, this is however an encouragement - we have formed a strategic alliance with a former player in the very industry that brings so much devastation into the hearts and homes of so many familes... now he is one of us. I get so excited when I can CLEARLY see practical examples of how God is making all things new!

Should I fire my secular therapist?

2006-08-10T22:27:00.000-07:00

The following was taken from the "Ask Bob" section of my webpage:

Q: "Mr. Parkins, I have been in counseling with another counselor for several months. I think the counseling had helped me a lot, but I am not able to talk about some things I am dealing with at my church because my counselor is not a Christian. In your expert oppinion, do you think I should find an new Christian counselor?"

A: That is a good question. It is very important for a person to feel both comfortable with his or her counselor and confident in their ability as a therapist. You indicated that you have found therapy to be helpful up to this point, so I am assuming you have at least a fair amount of trust in your counselor's abilities. It can be difficult to talk about your faith with a counselor who does not share or believe the same as you do. However, you referred to "things I am dealing with at my church." If these problems are relational issues, your current counselor should technically be qualified, by the nature of his/her license and training, to help you deal with these relational issues. But if these issues are closer related to faith issues, or you do not feel your counselor is able to understand and/or respect your faith, then I do recommend considering switching to a Christian therapist.

It is also important to mention that the "theraputic relationship" is a relationship. One of the advantages of this unique relationship is the insight into other relationships it brings by duplicating relational patterns so they may be identified, reinforced, and/or changed. Generally speaking, I believe it is very important to try to first work out any issue you may have with a current therapist, with the goal of working through the issue. For some people, it may be the first time in their life they have been able to work through a problem in a relationship, and a therapist or counselor should be the safest relationship to practice in.

That being said, I find that most Christians I encounter strongly prefer to see a counselor or therapist who shares their faith. It would hinder counseling if you felt you had to hide or surpress this part of yourself. Most of the Christian clients that I have seen have chosen to pay for counseling out of their own pocket to see a Christian therapist, rather than use their insurance for a non-Christian counselor. This speaks volumes to me about the importance of sharing their faith with their counselor.

Grieving Personal Wounds

2005-12-10T15:17:00.000-08:00

While recently at an Every Man's Battle conference, the group I was facilitating had been processing the relationship between emotional wounds and sexually acting-out. While it was exciting to watch these men reconnect with their hearts and risking vulnerability by sharing painful experiences, I encountered quite a bit of resistance from the group. This caused me to reflect on how often I experience this same type of resistance with many of my clients. Men often ask me what purpose does "rehashing" the past or "blaming" one's parents serve. With these questions I am also frequently given a monologue on "choices" and "personal responsibility." These questions are fair and deserve answers, but to miss the issues behind them is to miss the heart of the man that asks. ...

Click HERE to read the complete article, "Grieving Personal Wounds."

Site maintanance

2005-11-30T11:19:00.000-08:00

In order to correct some technical difficulties, I am no longer ussing an RSS feed to publish my blog on my own webpage. Instead it will remain on the blogger.com server and have links to my site, Sacramento Christian Counseling.

Since I had to migrate old posts, everything below this posting appears to have been written at the same time. They weren't, the time-stamp is due to the move.

Recovery & Stewardship: Is "What's in your wallet?" affecting your bottom-line?

2005-11-30T11:13:00.000-08:00

Have you ever heard the term, "secondary addiction?" Understanding secondary addictions are a very important in addiction recovery, and unfortunately often don't receive adequate attention.If you have ever been to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting you may know what I am talking about. Have you ever SEEN so much caffeine and nicotine in your life!?For many of the addicts I see on a daily basis, spending tends to be a "popular" secondary addiction.

Click HERE to read more.

Please visit my Practice's webpage at Sacramento Christian Counseling

Eleven Unethical Managed Care Practices Every Patient Should Know About (With emphasis on mental health care)

2005-11-30T11:05:00.000-08:00

This month I am adding an article by Ivan Miller, PhD. I found this very enlightening (and disturbing) article on another webpage. There was a note with the article giving permission and encouraging its redistribution.

If you have ever wondered why so many therapists are no longer paticipating with managed care companies or taking insurance, this article explains many of the reasons.

Below I have listed the bullet points to the full article. Click HERE for the complete article.

Eleven Unethical Managed Care Practices:
1. Disregarding personal and medical privacy.
2. Using false advertising.
3. Using deceptive language.
4. Violating traditional scientific ethics.
5. Practicing outside of a professional's area of competence.
6. Creating and intensifying conflicts of interest.
7. Keeping secrets about financial conflicts of interest.
8. Violating informed consent procedures.
9. Using "kickbacks" to keep patients away from specialists.
10. Squandering money entrusted to their care.
11. Disregarding information about harm to patients.

Please visit my practice's webpage: Sacramento Christian Counseling

I'm Listening...

2005-11-30T10:54:00.000-08:00

I am interested in your feedback.For those of you who have seen a therapist before:1) What was the most positive part of your experience?2) What was the most negative part of your experience?For those who have never seen a counselor or therapist:1) Have you ever considered counseling or therapy?2) For what reasons did you decide NOT to go?For BOTH (have been and have not been to therapy):1) What do you, or would you, look for in a counselor or therapist?

Please visit my practice's webpage: Sacramento Christian Counseling

"Of course it isn't working..."

2005-11-30T10:43:00.000-08:00

I was thinking to myself today about how patients tell me they are considering quitting therapy. Usually I anticipate this conversation well in advance. After working with someone for a time, seeing them deal with their "stuff" and meeting treatment goals, they are done and we both know it. For others, it is not quite as straight-forward. A common line I hear is, "I don't think counseling is working." Now I am not under any delusion that I am the best match for every patient, but I have learned that if a patient stays long enough to use this line, it is not a "match" issue. I usually sense a desperation in their tone, as if to ask for help. I find there tends to be a common theme of helplessness, dare I say "victim." This is not the same tone as willing desperation. Willing desperation with do whatever it takes to get better.It is quite normal to peak, plateau and even lose some ground when it comes to therapy or recovery. I remind people this almost daily when they feel discouraged. It is OK to express feelings of helplessness and even whine and complain a bit. However, it is always problematic when patient live in this place. These are the patients who inevitably say, "counseling is not working." These are the patients who may come for a few "feel good" sessions but don't want to do any work. They want me to take away their problems...... If I were really that powerful there would be world peace. I have seen patterns like this... 1) patient starts therapy and has a few "feel good" cathartic sessions, 2) patient starts to act more depressed and helpless, 3) I notice patient stopped really working after the first few sessions, if at all, 4) attendance suffers, 5) "I don't think counseling is working," 6) quit therapy. How do you respond to this question when a patient hasn't kept an appointment for over a month? Of course a good therapist spots this before a client voices his or her discouragement, but we sometimes don't have the opportunity to address a clients discouragement when they never make it to our office. I guess you can say they never showed for even the first appointment.This isn't a forum for me to express my frustrations, nor is it appropriate to discuss an actual patient. In fact any and all mention of patients are composites of several, usually past, and some theoretical. My purpose is really to encourage those out there who may feel counseling isn't working for them. Maybe it isn't, and if that's the case you NEED to discuss this with your therapist or counselor. A good therapist won't be offended or get defensive with you. Maybe there is something your therapist can do differently and sometimes that is all we need to know to make a change. But maybe you aren't taking responsibility for your own recovery. When I give assignments in therapy, most couples or individuals don't remember what the homework was the following week. I remember a former supervisor in graduate school told us if we felt like we were working too hard with a patient, we were. We [therapists] sometimes need to get out of the way so our patients can do the work. If you are feeling like quitting counseling because it isn't working, first ask yourself, "are YOU working."

Please visit my practice's webpage Sacramento Christian Counseling

Maintaining a Pure Dating Relationship

2005-11-30T10:28:00.000-08:00

I regularly contribute articles for the "Every Man's Battle" website. The following article will be appearing on their website very soon (probably later this week). Here is a sneak-peak of my latest article. Parents, I want to encourage you to share these principles with your teens and pre-teens.
(please excuse any formating "issues") “How Far is Too Far?” Physical Boundaries for Singles By: Bob Parkins, MS, LMFT
Virtually everyone has struggled with physical boundaries in a dating relationship. Unfortunately most parents and youth pastors do not have an adequate answer for the question, "how far is too far." This article finally gives answers to this age-old question. Whether you are in a dating relationship or responsible for someone who is, you can now confidently face this question.
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Go ( here) for the complete article

Welcome Message

2005-11-30T10:25:00.000-08:00

Welcome, I am glad you found my blog! I hope you will both gain insight from and possibly contribute to the discussions here. I will occasionally post articles for discussion and am open to reviewing your relevant articles for publication on this site.If you have stumbled on this site looking for a referral, please contact me directly. If you are local, I may be able to see you for therapy myself. Otherwise I will try to help you by giving an apropriate referral.Please note: No professional or theraputic services are offered directly on or from this site.You may reach the official website of my practice, Sacramento Christian Counseling.